Having to confront a cheating spouse is, without a doubt, one of the most emotionally crippling events to deal with.

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When you partner cheats on you, the first question you ask is why? Why men cheat is a subject that has been studied  for years. Experts have come up with several different reasons to explain why  men cheat on their partners and others do not. Women feel victimized when they find out their husband or boyfriend has cheated on them and think it is something they have done or not done. In some cases, this is correct, but not in most.

When a man feels that his needs are not being met at home or when his partner does not seem to have time for him, then he will likely be tempted to turn to another woman to have these needs met. It does not mean he does not love his partner. He just needs to feel that he is wanted and appreciated. There may be problems in the relationship and the man feels that  he is justified in getting his needs met elsewhere.  The husband may not even want something permanent outside of the relationship and often does not want to end the marriage or primary relationship.

Sometimes a cheating spouse simply wants it all. He wants the permanence and security that comes with being married, yet he still wants the freedom of being single. Sometimes the thrill of the chase is what lures the cheating spouse to look for another woman or perhaps even several women at the same time. They have an insecurity that creates an inner need to know that other women still find them attractive and that they still have what it takes to get a date.

There are times when men seemingly have no intention of cheating on their partners and it just happens. For example, a man going on a business trip may just feel lonely and after having a few drinks in the bar one thing leads to another. He will feel very contrite after this and vow never to let it happen again. However, there is a sense of excitement involved in cheating on a partner in another city where the chance is great that he will never get caught. Soon one cheating event can lead to others until it becomes an addiction, just like gambling, drugs or alcohol.

Men sometimes feel as if they stand out as a hero among their peers when they cheat. They feel that their ability to cheat and get away with it, raises their status among their friends. (Of course this makes one wonder what type of immoral friends they are trying to impress) The cheating spouse may have a secret yearning for more sex or just friendship that develops into something more.

There are so many different and complex answers to this question that it is impossible to discuss them all. Cheating spouses often do not realize the damage they are doing to their relationship, even if the affair is long over by the time the partner discovers that they have cheated. When the opportunity presents itself in the form of a woman coming on to them, this is an ego-booster for men who have been with the same partner for some time. It lets them know that women still find them desirable. Some men who practice self-discipline are able to let this type of situation go with just a few friendly remarks, while others want to explore  further to see where it can lead.

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An Enlightening and Intelligent Interview with a Psychology Instructor:

As a full-time psychology instructor at a community college, the question that I hear most often from my students is: “Is it natural for human beings to be monogamous-especially males given the excessive production of sperm. Why would nature/God give men so much sperm if they didn’t need it?” We all agreed that monogamy is defined by agreeing to be sexually faithful to one person. One person asked: is it natural to agree to be sexually faithful to one person? I asked people to raise their hands if they feel comfortable sharing their mate with another lover. No one raised their hand, except a Muslim woman who said that they are taught to accept it if there husband takes another wife. She went on to say that her cousin’s husband took another wife and her cousin told her that it felt like a piece of her had died and that she could never look at him or love him the same. I am proposing that most humans would much rather be in a sexually intimate relationship with one person at a time. The problem with infidelity is that even the people who want to have sex outside of their committed relationship want their partners to be faithful to them. “Why do humans desire sexual fidelity?” is a topic for another article.

I would like to answer this question in two parts, first by analyzing the meaning of the question and secondly, by applying the theory of evolution to excessive sperm production.

Let’s discuss the term natural. Usually when we say that something is natural we mean that it happens without human intervention, that it is inevitable, that we have no control over its cycle, path or destiny. When I think of natural, I think that it is natural for humans to die. It is natural for humans to excrete waste from their bodies in the form of urine and feces. Even though it is “natural” for humans to excrete waste from their bodies, how, where, and when can be determined by their culture. Their culture decides whether or not they we use an outhouse, bushes, a whole in the ground or a toilet. So even though we can make the argument that it is natural to use the bathroom, like humans, even dogs and cats can be train on where and when it is acceptable to use the bathroom.

It is natural for humans to eat. But some cultures and religions would never eat a pig or cow. So even though it is natural for humans to eat, we have many cultural rules about when, where, and how we should eat whether it is with chopsticks, our fingers or a fork. We even choose not to eat when we fast for spiritual purposes. So even though eating is “natural” many Americans don’t eat food off the floor, or raw chicken or turkey; and we typically eat certain foods for breakfast and so forth. I would argue that most human beings feel hunger pangs that tell them when they are hungry. Most healthy people acknowledge the hunger pangs in their belly and eat foods that are psychologically, socially and spiritually acceptable to their culture. For example, they won’t eat certain bugs even if they are nutritious; they will eat their food in the manner that is deemed courteous and polite ; and they won’t eat pork, beef, kittens or other humans because it is deemed as morally or ethically wrong.

I think that the only act that we have no “real” control over is death. How many times have you heard in the media about a person who tries to commit suicide but fail? Or what about the person who is doing everything to live; they eat healthy foods, exercise, go to church – and they still die. No matter how good or bad we are as human beings we will all die. This is a natural part of life.

This leads me to monogamy. Is the real question: “Is it normal to find other people attractive while in a committed relationship with another person possible? ” Yes! Absolutely! You will always find other human beings attractive. You will notice their physiques, smiles, the way they smell, how funny they are and how much you have in common with them. This is natural. As human beings we know when we are physically attracted to someone other than our partner, but unlike when we are hungry, or need to use the bathroom we have the ability to ignore our biological urges and desires when we are attracted to someone other than our spouse. Read the rest of this entry

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Are you a woman who shares secrets with a male friend? Are you the kind of man who reviews his weekend plans with a female co-worker? Or do you go out for drinks with a colleague of the opposite sex?

If you are married and answer yes to any of these questions, then therapist M. Gary Neuman has one word to describe your behavior: Unfaithful.

“We can’t fool ourselves into believing that we can have intimate relationships at work and still have a great relationship at home,” says Neuman. “My message is that if you want to infuse passion and have a buddy for the rest of your life, you have to keep that emotional content in your marriage. Otherwise, it’s not going to happen.”

Neuman, a Miami Beach psychologist, has raised hackles in the marriage counseling field with his book, Emotional Infidelity, that decries male-female friendships outside marriage as a form of adultery.

The funny thing is that while Neuman’s views may seem extreme, even his critics say his central premise – that friendships between members of the opposite sex can harm marriages – is probably valid. Having an emotional affair is usually how it begins.

“It’s a concern,” says Shirley Glass, an Owings Mills psychologist and longtime researcher into marital infidelity. “Many love affairs begin just that way, with an emotional affair.”

When is friendship an infidelity? Where does the emotional affair begin?

How many married men and women might admit to an emotional infidelity? Probably 55 to 65 percent, she says, and she thinks the numbers are growing.

Her own definition of emotional infidelity is somewhat more cautious than Newman’s, however. Glass thinks a friendship between members of the opposite sex must have 3 traits to be an infidelity: emotional intimacy that is greater than in the marriage, sexual tension, and secrecy.

“Friendship becomes a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage or takes place outside a marriage,” says Glass.

Hamit Aizen, 38, of Reisterstown says she used to think that other-gender friends were fine for married couples – but after nine years of marriage she no longer feels that way. Instead, she puts a greater priority on preserving
intimacy with her husband.

“I don’t think I would ever cross the line, but I’m really cautious,” says Aizen, a part-time teacher. “The longer you’re married, you sometimes start looking for other things.”

A Baltimore native and married father of five, Neuman, 37, believes society has generally underestimated how harmful an emotional affair can be. He has counseled too many couples not to have noticed that marriages
suffer when men and women seek intimate relationships outside the home.

Even if the relationship doesn’t escalate to sex, it can be debilitating to the marriage. “If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse, you’re still shortchanging your spouse,” he says.

Consider, he says, the husband who gripes about work with a female co-worker and then comes home and doesn’t really want to repeat his complaints all over again with his wife. The result? She is isolated from a significant part of his life.

Or what about the wife who flirts with other men? Will she feel better or worse about her marriage when she compares their reactions to her husband’s behavior? He may seem much less fun and exciting.

Divided loyalties

In his book, Neuman points to the workplace as Ground Zero for the problem of emotional infidelity. Research shows it’s where the majority of extramarital affairs get started – perhaps as high as 73 percent, according to one study.

He sees opportunities for inappropriate behavior behind every lunch, every trip for drinks after work, and every business trip where men and women are thrust into prolonged social contact without their spouses. Modern “team building” retreats where male and female co-workers climb walls or rappel down cliffs? Neuman would like to see them come to an immediate end.
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Have you ever wondered what makes spouses unfaithful to each other in the first place? I’m sure they didn’t marry with the intention of becoming a cheating spouse–so what brought them to this point?

Many psychologists who specialize in infidelity offer solutions on how to find proof that will catch your unfaithful partner in the act. Instead of putting all of your efforts into finding proof of their unfaithfulness, it is possible that your energy would be better exhausted understanding what went wrong (or is currently going wrong) in your marriage.

It’s fairly common for cheating husbands or wives to give up on a relationship the instant things begin to become a little difficult.

Rather than admitting and accepting the fact that their is indeed a problem in their marriage that needs attention, the cheating spouse often begins their quest to find someone else to fulfill their needs. These needs could be anything from a physical connection to a seemingly innocent friendship that leads to an emotional affair.

For the most part, unfaithfulness occurs because one spouse’s needs are no longer being met by their partner. The cheating spouse is then drawn to someone else who, in their eyes, will temporarily meet their needs.

What increases the likelihood of an affair is when one spouse has irrational ideas of what love is supposed to be like and spends their time looking for the perfect person, but never finding them. Everything seems so right at first, but the irrational partner will quickly become disillusioned and end up in and out of marriages in search of their perfect soul mate?.

Soul mates may exist in romance movies, but in real life it takes hard work to create and nurture a lifelong relationship.
Like it or not, marriage takes effort. It doesn’t have to be difficult, just a conscious effort on both parts.
If you sincerely desire to win your spouse over after they have been unfaithful, you need to know how to meet their needs.

Every couple enters into marriage with expectations of the other person that will end up unfulfilled at one point or another.

The cheating spouse generally does so because they’re in search of unmet, yet unspoken deep emotional needs. It’s as simple as that. If you aren’t meeting your spouse’s needs, then there is always the possibility that they may be in search of someone who will.

This fact is also one of the reasons why most affairs don’t last. Let me explain:

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Interview With Noel Biderman, CEO Of Ashley Madison

Ashley Madison is for those already in relationships to find a ‘bit on the side’ as we say in England.  Its the site I most love to hate, but, bless ‘em, they fulfill a need and make great money doing so.  We asked the CEO of Ashley Madison if he’d be OK with his wife using Ashley Madison.  See his answer below… – Mark Brooks    <—bless em? You all are going to rot in hell, you realize that right?

Comments in red are additions added by the owner of this website.

What is Ashley Madison, who are your members, and how did the name come about?

Ashley Madison is the largest dating ( cheating spouse ) service of its kind catering to like minded adults who are already in a committed relationship. Our members are people ( cheating spouses ) who find themselves attached at this stage in their lives, and in many instances, in otherwise very happy marriages or with great family situations, but they’re physically or emotionally unfulfilled. What they seek at Ashley Madison is someone who understands those needs. The name is fictitious and based onthe two most popular girl’s names in 2001 when the founder of the service, Darren Morgenstern, came up with the concept.

What makes your site stand out from the competition?

I’d say it’s the fact that they present it in a way that tries to make it so palatable….. What is our society coming to?

I think we’re unique, one of the only sites in this niche, and we’re definitely the originator. The genesis of the business itself was a report that stated that upwards of 30 to 35 percent of people on singles dating services were actually attached ( cheating spouses ), and so we thought ‘what if you could create a site where you didn’t have to lie about your personal circumstances?’ You could put your hand up and say ‘this is who I am ( a cheating spouse ); this is my situation in life. I’m still looking to meet someone else to fill a void and not create any additional risks for myself.’ That’s the uniqueness of the Ashley Madison model.

How does your service help people improve the quality of their lives?

Ironically, we’ve actually preserved a number of relationships and marriages in the sense that many people suffer from a lack of physical or emotional intimacy. Other aspects of their lives are going well, great career, incredible children, extended family, but there is just a certain critical element to their life that they’re not happy with. With Ashley Madison, they have a chance to explain that and not be judged for it, because everybody knows the nature of the service when they join. Here’s a chance to meet someone (who is also a cheating spouse ) like-minded. All of a sudden, when that void is filled, they can be an even better parent, a better spouse or partner to whomever they’re with in their life.

Is this guy on drugs? You can be a better parent or spouse when you are carrying around the weight of guilt. You were intimately involved with another person that is not your spouse. You gave your body to them……wow.

But why would anyone who wasn’t looking for a marital split want to openly broadcast their cheating?

Statistics show that approximately 60% of people are somehow involved in cheating in their relationship. It’s almost a DNA pull, a fact of life, and we battle against it all the time.

People wrestle with the whole notion. When they’ve finally made the determination that this is what they need to do for themselves, the next move can be challenging. The work place is fraught with problems. Someone could lose his or her job; you could misread a cue. If you visit a prostitute, you could end up with an STD. You could have a stigma attached to you for breaking the law. There are so many problems.

If you come to a service like ours, you can at least mitigate the risks. You still take a risk; I want to be clear. Anytime you do this you take a risk, but if you’ve been thinking about it, then you tend to approach it in a different way.

So, people on Ashley Madison are STD free, obviously, because they must be good moral people.

How do you check for fraudulence?

We review every single profile and photo prior to releasing it to our membership base. We remove anyone that we find to be fraudulent, solicitous, or problematic. Soliciting is veiled prostitution. We just won’t allow that kind of behavior to take place. We have a fraud check system that we’ve built up over years and a huge customer care staff who monitor 24/7. We know what our members need and we need to protect them.

How do you protect members (who post photos) from their snoopy spouses?

Many singles will post a public photo but very few attached people do so. Most photos are posted to a private showcase section. The release of those require a key in exchange with another member only after you’ve built a relationship and have a sense of who they are and what they’re about. I’ve never, in all of our existence, come across one story of a spouse catching another spouse on Ashley Madison. Gee, you should be proud. When they do get caught, it’s for other reasons. It could be that they didn’t clear their cookie on their computer, or the like.

Have you used your own service?

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Women are and will always be the smarter superior sex. In being smarter they calculate things better. For example when men cheat it is more spontaneous. Unlike women, men can’t just go out any night of the week and get laid.

Their opportunities in that regard are more limited, therefore when one arises they have to act on it usually right then or lose it forever. Any night a woman goes out she can get it if she really wants to. That’s just a simple fact of life; women can have sex whenever they want. Men can’t.

As a result men are more likely to screw up in getting caught. He can’t pick and choose when, where or with whom his opportunity will happen. He also can’t control as well as women his desire for sex. Men’s desire is more of a physical one; women’s is more of an emotional one.

Women’s intimate desires are more controllable than the physical testosterone calling. When it calls and there’s an opportunity, look out. Women on the other hand can plan to get their strange sex. They will go out of town, plan a shopping trip with the girls or something like that.

Also when women cheat their dealing with a strange guy who is more than likely happy with just a one night stand and leaving it at that. When men cheat they are dealing with a female who likely isn’t so happy just to have a one night’er. She may seek more and pursue him. This may eventually lead to her making sure his wife finds out about it and causes him to get caught. That’s why it seems that men cheat more than women.

Women actually cheat just about as much as men, they just don’t get caught as often. Because they can control their opportunities and desires more, they are better able to pick and choose their time, place and person. That combination will be such that will ensure that they don’t get caught.

Men on the other hand have to take it when its there, regardless of the risk, therefore they get caught more. So guys, look out when your woman goes away. I’m not saying that they cheat whenever they go away; I’m saying that if they are looking to cheat, they will do it when they go away.

Women do aspire to the “If no one knows about it, it didn’t happen” mindset. Regardless of what they do, if no one knows about it or they didn’t get caught, it didn’t happen and they will go to their death claiming it didn’t happen. Read the rest of this entry

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Infidelity in marital relationships has been a problem since the beginning of time. Throughout recorded history there are numerous stories of cheating spouses. But today, the Internet and our constantly updated technology has added an entirely new twist that may have made the urge to cheat stronger than ever. Suddenly everything is at our fingertips. Cheating spouses can now look to technology, such as instant messaging, cell phone texts, sending pictures by phone and more. If that isn’t enough, what about online services that blatently advertise the fact that they will help you find a cheating partner. Websites such as Ashley Madison and Meet-To-Cheat are businesses with the sole purpose of facilitating extramarital affairs. Unfortunately, technology today makes it extremely easy for cheating spouses to arrange an affair. Cheating online–it’s the latest craze. In most instances, the potential for cheating is simply a click away. And when caught in a bind, cheating spouses can even rely upon businesses such as the Alibi Network to service get them out of trouble. For a nominal fee, the Alibi Network will actually assist a cheating spouse form an alibi that can include the creation of fake receipts, phone calls, and other false documentation. But, of course, technology works both ways and suspicious spouses are using state-of-the-art tactics to try and fight back. Suspicious spouses are equipped with their own set of weapons to catch the lying partner in the act. Tools like computer monitoring software, key loggers, hidden gps devices, and most recently, cell phone tracking services and listening devices are being used in an attempt to discover what is going on behind their back. It is somewhat shocking to realize that a tiny gps device can be installed not only in an automobile, but can be used to track a spouse’s every movement, through their cell phone.
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