When I hear about couples that are cheating on their spouses, my first feeling is, of course, sorrow.  There are few things as devastating as learning your spouse is cheating on you.  I know, because it happened to my sister-in-law, and it immediately sent her into a tailspin.  Just when her marriage seemed to be improving, down came the bombshell.  To no surprise, she and my brother-in-law got divorced not long afterwards.

But the key thing to learn from her is, she didn’t retaliate by doing the same thing back.  Nor should you!  Two wrongs don’t make a right, and two cheats CERTAINLY don’t justify the first spouse cheating.  In fact, if anything, cheating on your spouse in vengeance will only make you 1) look just as bad as him or her, and 2) feel the horrible guilt and shame of having done something just as bad.  If you’re religious in any way, the shame and guilt are magnified a hundredfold!

In short, a retaliatory affair was the last kind of reaction I would recommend.

Sure, the anger is real, as are the feelings of hurt and betrayal, but interestingly many women and men who spoke to me were determined that they wouldn’t be seen as victims. Far from it, in fact, and many were determined to retaliate and do it in such a way that their partner may feel some of the hurt that they felt at the time.

Let’s be honest. Every one of us have times in our lives when we see someone that we consider to be very good looking, either a beatiful face, a beautiful smile, a beautifully proportioned body, or a confident demeanour that seemed both charismatic and magnetic. Good looking people are all around us. Yet it would never occur to us to take our initial attention or attraction to a person to the point where we would contemplate entering into a sexual relationship with them. After all, being married is a commitment, a promise of fidelity, a vow to honor one another.

We see beauty, but we don’t feel the compulsion to act on it.

However when your partner departs from this commitment in such a shocking and hurtful fashion, it leaves many questioning their beliefs, and indeed their fidelity. If their fidelity has resulted in them being cheated on and hurt so badly, surely it is okay to sleep with someone else to ‘even up the score,’ so to speak?

That co-worker that has made fleeting eye contact with you at the copier machine, the shop assistant that has inadvertently flirted with you, the friend of a friend that has made a point of talking to you at parties and comments on your looks, an ex whose contact details you still have or remember, all of these people are now potential playmates. After all, if it’s good enough for your spouse to do it, surely there’s nothing wrong with you doing it too?

The one determination of people in this position is that if they are going to have an affair they will do it better and with someone hotter.

Now I’m not saying all victims of cheating end up doing this, because many don’t. But the knee-jerk reaction to go out and have an affair as well is a common reaction that many people seriously consider and follow through.

Your first reaction should be to eliminate all doubt and catch your cheating spouse.

Next, if retaliation IS something that you are seriously contemplating, have you given it enough thought? How are you going to feel at the moment you are cheating on your spouse? How are you going to feel after? Can you live with the knowledge and the consequences of your actions?

For many, it’s a ‘yes.’  But I hope that you will give the option a big NO as it will only lead to 3 things: guilt, regret, and SHAME.

My solution?  Learn to forgive first. Then try to resolve your differences.  If that doesn’t succeed, you have options.  I hope, though, that your marriage can be restored.

If you want to resolve your marriage woes, I highly recommend you seek counseling and prayer.  If those aren’t options, or are too expensive, do check out Save Your Marriage Today. It’s saved hundreds of marriages, so I hope it will save yours as well.

Good luck and God bless!

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