An Enlightening and Intelligent Interview with a Psychology Instructor:

As a full-time psychology instructor at a community college, the question that I hear most often from my students is: “Is it natural for human beings to be monogamous-especially males given the excessive production of sperm. Why would nature/God give men so much sperm if they didn’t need it?” We all agreed that monmonogamyogamy is defined by agreeing to be sexually faithful to one person. One person asked: is it natural to agree to be sexually faithful to one person? I asked people to raise their hands if they feel comfortable sharing their mate with another lover. No one raised their hand, except a Muslim woman who said that they are taught to accept it if there husband takes another wife. She went on to say that her cousin’s husband took another wife and her cousin told her that it felt like a piece of her had died and that she could never look at him or love him the same. I am proposing that most humans would much rather be in a sexually intimate relationship with one person at a time. The problem with infidelity is that even the people who want to have sex outside of their committed relationship want their partners to be faithful to them. “Why do humans desire sexual fidelity?” is a topic for another article.

I would like to answer this question in two parts, first by analyzing the meaning of the question and secondly, by applying the theory of evolution to excessive sperm production.

Let’s discuss the term natural. Usually when we say that something is natural we mean that it happens without human intervention, that it is inevitable, that we have no control over its cycle, path or destiny. When I think of natural, I think that it is natural for humans to die. It is natural for humans to excrete waste from their bodies in the form of urine and feces. Even though it is “natural” for humans to excrete waste from their bodies, how, where, and when can be determined by their culture. Their culture decides whether or not they we use an outhouse, bushes, a whole in the ground or a toilet. So even though we can make the argument that it is natural to use the bathroom, like humans, even dogs and cats can be trained on where and when it is acceptable to use the bathroom.

It is natural for humans to eat. But some cultures and religions would never eat a pig or cow. So even though it is natural for humans to eat, we have many cultural rules about when, where, and how we should eat whether it is with chopsticks, our fingers or a fork. We even choose not to eat when we fast for spiritual purposes. So even though eating is “natural” many Americans don’t eat food off the floor, or raw chicken or turkey; and we typically eat certain foods for breakfast and so forth. I would argue that most human beings feel hunger pangs that tell them when they are hungry. Most healthy people acknowledge the hunger pangs in their belly and eat foods that are psychologically, socially and spiritually acceptable to their culture. For example, they won’t eat certain bugs even if they are nutritious; they will eat their food in the manner that is deemed courteous and polite ; and they won’t eat pork, beef, kittens or other humans because it is deemed as morally or ethically wrong.

I think that the only act that we have no “real” control over is death. How many times have you heard in the media about a person who tries to commit suicide but fail? Or what about the person who is doing everything to live; they eat healthy foods, exercise, go to church – and they still die. No matter how good or bad we are as human beings we will all die. This is a natural part of life.

This leads me to monogamy. Is the real question: “Is it normal to find other people attractive while in a committed relationship with another person possible? ” Yes! Absolutely! You will always find other human beings attractive. You will notice their physiques, smiles, the way they smell, how funny they are and how much you have in common with them. This is natural. As human beings we know when we are physically attracted to someone other than our partner, but unlike when we are hungry, or need to use the bathroom we have the ability to ignore our biological urges and desires when we are attracted to someone other than our spouse.

We rationalize and bargain with nature by telling ourselves that wanting to exchange phone numbers, spending time together and accidently bumping into the person whom we are attracted to is innocent behavior because we are in love with our mate. So before we know it, having lunch with our co-worker turns into having dinner; having dinner turns into overnight sex escapades-and finally we are asking ourselves how did this happen, I would have never knowingly and willingly cheated on my mate. When we are in denial about feeling sexually attracted to someone other than our mate, this is what leads to cheating. When we admit that we are attracted to another person this gives our brain the opportunity to move this information from our primitive emotional brain to our logical rational brain; in order to choose the behavior that is in the best interest of our highest and best self.

When we are hungry or feel the urge to use the bathroom, we don’t argue with nature. We don’t pretend that the urge to use the bathroom is a fragment of our imagination because we don’t want to have an “accident.” But this so-called accident is only bound to happen if we ignore the biological urge we feel that tells us that we need to use the bathroom. We start looking for rest stops or saving the information in the computer to hurry to the bathroom.

When it comes to matters of the heart and soul; most human beings refuse to acknowledge that when nature calls us; we have a choice on how, where and when to answer the call-but Mother Nature will not be ignored. When you are hungry you eat. When you need to empty your bladder you find a rest room. When you are in a committed relationship with someone you love and you find someone else physically or psychologically attractive you admit it to yourself and limit your time and space with this person. Don’t pretend that you weren’t staring at their body. Don’t pretend that you are not calling to ask a question that you already know the answer to. Don’t look for flaws in your mate as an “excuse” to have sex with another person. I don’t know of any documented circumstances where a person’s tongue, penis, buttocks or vagina was “accidently” intertwined.

It is natural to be attracted to another person; however it is unnatural to be a liar. The real question that my students are asking is: Is it okay, to expect and want my mate to be faithful, loyal and committed to me; while I lie and deceive them about my whereabouts and sexual rendezvous with other people whom I find attractive? The real question that is being asked is: Is it okay for me to sexually cheat on another person even though I don’t want them cheating on me? How can I cheat on someone I love without being blamed for my actions? When you take the term natural out of the question, it then leads to personal integrity, responsibility and accountability.

The fair thing to do is to tell your mate that you are interested in seeking an intimate relationship with another person. This frees up your mate to determine whether or not they want to continue in a relationship with you and if so, use protection. This may not be the popular thing to do-but it is definitely the honorable, civilized thing to do that shows respect for yourself and others. Just like you wouldn’t choose to use the bathroom in the middle of someone’s living room floor; sexual infidelity is like crapping in the middle of someone’s heart.

The second point I would like to briefly discuss is the fallacy to assume that male sperm production gives them a biological license to cheat on his mate based on evolutionary theory. I would like for everyone reading this article to pretend to be a wealthy human male with extravagant resources. Now, I would like for you to imagine that you have single handedly impregnated 100,000 women.  Of all the women whom you have impregnated, one of them is your favorite. Her name is Agnes. It’s not that she is beautiful, makes you laugh and you love every inch of her body; she reminds you of your deceased, irreplaceable grandmother whom you loved deeply and unconditionally. You spend time as much time as possible Agnes to ensure that she is eating healthy. You make sure that she is protected from crime and that she has everything that she needs to survive. You see the other 999,999 women while she is sleep or when time permits. But you don’t want to be away from her for too long just in case she needs something and you don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize the well-being of your unborn child.

When the child is born, you read to her each night. You kiss her toes and fingers and tell her each day how much you love her, that you would never let anything happen to her and that she can be and have anything in the world because her daddy loves her and believes in her. During the day you teach her how to fish and ride a bike and tell her how special she is. You take everything that you have earned to make sure that this child is well-educated and able to live a productive life. You see your other 999,999 children when time permits. Which of your 100,000 children do you think is most likely to propel your genes into the future and make you a grandfather? No matter how much money or sperm you have what will be the psychological and emotional factors that will give your child the best chance at being a healthy productive member of society? Studies show that well over 70% of people in prison are raised in single-female homes.

I don’t believe that life is about who is wrong and who is right. It is not about who is good and who is bad-it’s about the consequences of treating someone in a manner other than how we wish to be treated. In a nutshell, if you want to be in a relationship with a person who agrees to be sexually faithful, but sneaks behind your back and have sex with others and lie to you about their behavior; then it is okay for you to do the same. If you don’t want it done to you –then simply don’t do it to someone else. It’s pretty simple.

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