I recently heard from a wife who was trying to heal after her husband had cheated. One of the things she told me was, in part: “My husband cheated on me for a couple of months last year. I only recently found out about it. He swears that he still loves me and never really stopped, even when he was cheating. It’s very hard for me to believe this, even though I want to. How do I know if I can believe him? How can I tell if he still loves me after cheating on me?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.

His Cheating Doesn’t Necessarily Mean He Didn’t Love You Or Doesn’t Love You Now: Many people assume that if one spouse cheats on another, this automatically means that the cheating spouse no longer loves the other one. Although I realize that plenty of people would argue or debate what I’m about to say, infidelity does not always mean that the unfaithful spouse does not love the other.

If you spend any amount of time having dialog with someone who cheated, you’ll find that they will be very sincere when they say that they never stopped loving their spouse. They will often tell you that the cheating had much more to do with their own insecurities and problems than any lack of feelings toward their spouse. Often, the spouse who was cheated on thinks that this talk is just a bunch of lies meant to make the faithful spouse feel better. But I can tell you that I believe many of the people who tell this to me.

I believe this for several reasons. First, often their insincerity is pretty apparent. Second, often their actions will show that they mean the words that they say. Finally, extensive research tells me and shows that cheating very often happens at a crisis period in lives or at a time when someone is particularly vulnerable and doubtful about themselves.

By no means am I pointing this out to defend anyone’s cheating. Insecurities, issues, and vulnerabilities certainly do not excuse cheating. Plenty of people have marital and individual struggles and they do not make the decision to cheat on their spouse. But some of those who do are not acting because of the way that they feel about their spouse, they are acting because of the way they feel about themselves and / or their lives.

Things Your Spouse Might Do To Show You They Still Love You Once They’ve Cheated: One of the most common questions that I’m asked is some variation on “how can I tell that he still loves me even though he’s cheated? How can I believe any words that come out of his mouth when he has already lied to and deceived me?” Part of the answer lies in the fact that you don’t necessarily have to evaluate his words. You’re often better off evaluating his actions and behaviors.

Before I list the things that you should look for, I have to preface this by saying that if you’re not seeing all or even some of these behaviors, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It can mean that his defensive mechanisms are up or that you might have to spell out for him exactly what you need and are looking for. Often, people who cheat really want to do right by their spouses and to provide what they need, but they just don’t know how to begin to do this or what their spouse might need the most.

First of all, a cheating spouse who loves his partner will be remorseful. He may not fall all over himself with apologies or pleas for your forgiveness. But, he will be disappointed with himself and he may even be panicked that this one mistake is going to mean that he may well lose you. Sometimes, his words aren’t saying this but his body language and general guardedness are. His shoulders may be slumped and his face may well look worn and weary. He may even look angry, but this anger is often directed at himself and the situation. We will often assume it’s directed at us, but this is not always the case.

Next, the cheater who still loves his spouse will often ask her what she needs for him to do to make things better for her. Although he may well resist counseling (this is quite typical for many men,) he might make some clumsy efforts to offer reassurances and physical affection. Sometimes, men will hesitate here because they are frightened that the last thing you want is for them to make any physical advances toward you. Cheating husbands often tell me they assume that the very site of them repulses their wife or feeds her with anger. And sometimes, this is true, especially in the beginning. But in the early stages, the effort is often there if for no other reason than they’re feeling you out to see exactly what they can expect in the days to come.

Finally, the most persuasive way to tell if your husband still loves you after cheating is the fact that he’s still there. I have to admit, life was certainly no picnic for my husband in the months after I found out about his affair. I was cutting, sarcastic, hateful, and cruel. But I was so angry for so much of the time that I seemingly had no buffers. But in the end, he hung in there no matter what I threw at him because he didn’t want to let me or the marriage go. No matter what I threw at him, he hung around, even if he did sometimes become angry and frustrated.

And I think at the end of the day, that’s the most telling thing – that he’s still present. This doesn’t mean that you should purposely try to push him away just to see if he will hang around. Act in a way that is in alignment with what is truly in your heart. You may or may not see all these behaviors. You may not be getting what you need or want to see from your husband after his cheating. If you aren’t, don’t be shy about telling him what you need and giving him the chance to provide it.

I had my doubts that my husband still loved me after his cheating. Thankfully, he eventually learned how to show his true remorse and how to move us both forward. And, I learned that I had some work to do on myself. These things helped a lot. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/